Mawaru Penguindrum Book 1 Chapter 4

Himari went with the penguins to see Shouma and Ringo off at the door. She suddenly felt listless, trudging her way back to the living room.

“They left.” She made sure not to say it as if she were feeling particularly lonely, but as if she was just stating the obvious.

“Let’s eat the leftovers of the lunch they made. You’re hungry, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll make tea, then,” Himari said indifferently, once again putting the kettle on to boil.

Kanba stood comfortably by Himari’s side in the kitchen, absently watching the kettle boil, changing the inside of the teapot.

How was she always able to take everything in stride, Kanba wondered. Until a few moments ago, she’d looked like she’d been having so much fun, and yet now in an instant they’d been returned to normality. But, once another fun thing happened again, there was no doubt she’d go back to laughing, just as suddenly.
As he was gazing at the flower pinned in her blow-dried, silky hair, Himari whispered: “A date, huh… Are dates fun?” She grinned at him.

“Huh? Like, for me? Well, I guess it depends…”

If it had been, say, his classmate Yamashita asking the same question, Kanba would have smirked and said something like, “Of course they’re fun!” and cracked some kind of joke. But if Himari was the one asking, that was another matter entirely.

“Hmm. Think I’ll go on a date someday?” Himari nonsensically puffed out her cheeks as she stared at the kettle.

“A date? You?” Of course. Of course soon she’d be going on a date with somebody. Just like he was. But he couldn’t say that out loud. If he said it out loud, he would have to admit to himself it was true. “Well…”

As he was searching for the right words, Himari interrupted him: “But I’m fine with just Kan-chan and Sho-chan for a while. I’m still little and can’t even go to school, after all.”

She didn’t sound especially sad. But that was why Kanba regretted all the more that he hadn’t said right away, “Of course you’ll be able to go on dates soon!”

He said: “You’ll be able to. You’ll go to school, make lots more friends, and you’ll have more guys after you than you’ll know what to do with. You’re my little sister, after all!”

“That again!” Himari laughed loudly, looking happy.

This was for the best. In his imagination, Kanba rubbed at his own aching chest.

“Water’s boiling.”

“It’s not too heavy?” Kanba asked, looking at her slender arm raising the kettle up.

“I’m fine, I can handle this much.” Himari triumphantly poured the kettle’s contents into the teapot. “Let’s hurry up and eat, Kan-chan.” She smiled gently, calmly.

They lined up their chopsticks and little plates, and after the tea had steeped they sat at either side of the dinner table. There were onigiri with salmon, umeboshi, and okaka inside. Tamagoyaki, asparagus, and boiled eggs with mayonnaise. Weiners, grape tomatoes, and apples cut into the shape of bunnies for dessert. They said “itadakimasu” as they ate each one.

“Umm, and this is the salmon, and this one has the plum, and probably this one’s the okaka.” Himari pointed to each, beginning to eat an umeboshi onigiri herself and giving onigiri to the penguins at random.

“Yeah, this is good. You rolled the onigiri, right, Himari?” Remembering his unease at Himari’s too-quiet expression, he stuffed his cheeks with onigiri.

“Yup, but how’d you know?” Himari’s eyes went wide.

“Your hands are smaller than most people’s,” he answered smugly.

“Oh, I see! Kan-chan, you’re amazing!” she smiled dazzlingly.

Her delicate fingers that held the onigiri. Her tiny mouth that bit into it. Her defenseless eyes that glanced at Kanba so fleetingly. Her long eyelashes. Every one looked so pale, so tiny, so fragile. Most girls seemed pale and tiny, but Kanba had long since given up on wondering why Himari looked special to him in that regard. He knew there was no logical reason for his feeling that way. He knew there was nothing that could be done about it.

Which was not to mean that it wasn’t always painful for him.

“Hey, was it okay for Sho-chan to tag along even though Ringo-chan was going on a date? Ringo-chan seemed mad, right?” Himari asked worriedly. “I wonder if she’ll come over here again.”

“It’s fine. Shouma, he actually, you know, went to go help her out. Like the cupid of love!” He gave her a smile.

“Really? Ringo-chan wasn’t upset? She’ll come back?” Himari stared into Kanba’s eyes doubtfully.

“I’m telling you, she’ll come back. It’ll be fine.” Kanba wanted to reach out and ruffle her hair, but she was wearing a hairclip, so he held back. “You two seem to get along pretty well.”

“Yeah. I never had normal girl friends for such a long time, so it’s fun.” Himari brushed away her long hair, smiling faintly.

While she’d been hospitalized, Himari had attended the hospital’s school. But there had been kids in the class who’d been discharged and never heard from again afterwards, and kids who’d died as well. How had Himari felt then? Kanba couldn’t even imagine. But whenever she was in front of her brothers, Himari was always smiling.

“Kan-chan, you’re going out after this, right?” Himari said this in her usual indifferent tone yet again.

“Oh, um, yeah. It’s not a big deal.” Well, actually, he wouldn’t know if it was a big deal or not until he got there. But Kanba said that because he had every intention of coming home as quickly as possible.

“There’s no school today, but call me when you’re going to be late coming home, okay?” She seemed to be trying for the indifferent tone there again too, but it came out with a lonely ring to it. She felt as though she’d turned back into a little kid again and was embarrassed by it.

“Yeah. Got it. I’ll definitely call you.”

The two of them finished eating silently, ate the apples, and drank their tea again.

When Kanba left with Penguin #1 under his arm, Himari saw him off at the front door too.

“See you! Good luck!” Himari waved to him innocently.

While thinking about what it was she could possibly be wishing him luck for, Kanba returned her wave.

Holding Penguin #3, Himari went back into the house. She noticed the family photographs on the cupboard facing down, and fixed them. And then she thought she was a little tired, so she wanted to sleep.

When you’re feeling lonely, it’s always best to go to sleep, she thought.

Himari briskly washed the dishes, finished cleaning the bath, and started embroidering a corner of the curtains. She was going to add a floral pattern to it.

“He said dates are fun,” Himari whispered in a voice low enough that she could have been talking either to herself or to Penguin #3. “What do you do on dates?”

Well, first, you had to meet up, Himari thought. On a day off, you’d wear your favorite clothes, and you’d stand waiting at the station for your boyfriend. When he showed up, you’d talk about silly things together, maybe while linking arms or holding hands as you walked around.

“Where would you go? A movie or something? Ringo-chan said she was going birdwatching at the park. Maybe Kan-chan would go to the movie theater.” Both her hands were getting tired. She decided to stop embroidering, and was immediately bored.

“You kiss on dates too.” Himari finally smiled, placing a kiss on Penguin #3’s head.

Even though she was better now, since it had always been a given that she’d be sick, Himari had never really imagined a future for herself where she’d fall in love with someone, that same someone would love her back, they’d go on dates, and they’d get married. And anyway, it had been so unrealistic that even if she’d been able to imagine it, it would have just made her impossibly sad to think of it.

When Himari had gotten her first period, she’d been in the hospital. She’d woken up one evening, thought she’d go back to sleep, but felt strange. She’d frowned and turned over on the futon. The sheets had been an ocean of blood, and Himari had thought: “Oh.”

Of course she’d had some passing knowledge about it, but she hadn’t realized so much blood would come out.

She was embarrassed, but there was nothing else to be done about it, so she called the nurse. She didn’t tell her mother or her friends, because neither of them were there.

Her stomach hurt and she felt miserable. Whether she was lonely or not, whether she was in the hospital or not, for as long as she was alive, time would pass. Her body would grow up and she’d grow closer and closer to becoming an adult. Her body kept on growing without asking her, whether she wanted to or not. She felt dazed as these thoughts passed through her head, as she changed her clothes, put in a pad, and had her sheets changed.

She realized the idea that now she was capable of having children, felt entirely meaningless to her.

At the time, the nurse had explained to her brothers that her period had come. So she’d barely ever talked to her brothers about it. Well, sometimes she’d had to ask them to buy pads and such for her, and when that happened she asked them herself.

Hugging Penguin #3 to her chest, Himari somehow felt uneasy.

If only everyone wouldn’t go out of the house all at once. If they had to go, the least they could do is leave Penguin #1 and #2 behind with her.

Everyone just kept leaving her to go off someplace…

“3-chan, do you like picture books?”

From her place in Himari’s arms, Penguin #3 blinked her eyes.

“I’ll read you a picture book. Let’s go.” Taking Penguin #3 with her, Himari once again turned towards her bedroom. In her room, Himari could relax, be buried alive in the things that made her up as a person.

She’d thought of maybe going out to buy seeds to grow in the garden, but she’d do that after talking to Shouma about it.

Would she make dinner tonight? It was a bit chilly, so she wanted to eat Shouma’s hot udon. Himari liked tsukimi-udon. Because the name of it was so cute.

Himari sat Penguin #3 on the bed next to her, and she opened a picture book. “Now, listen carefully.” When Himari smiled at Penguin #3, her eyes glittered. The penguin nodded.

Loneliness is not a feeling you can share together with other people. Ever since she was young, Himari had known this instinctually.

But even so, wishing to herself that her brothers would come home soon, she began to read the picture book: “Once upon a time…”

Himari’s high, sweet voice echoed strangely throughout the empty Takakura home, as if the entire house was just another thing inside her picture book.

(Source: penguindrum.livejournal.com)